


Don't you know that we are... We are the lucky ones, dear.

by zaynfreakingmalik



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Harry is sad :(, M/M, and for self harm, trigger warning for rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-09
Updated: 2013-01-09
Packaged: 2017-11-24 06:31:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/631466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zaynfreakingmalik/pseuds/zaynfreakingmalik
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry was told to write down anything he wanted for therapy. He was given a note pad and pen and told he could write absolutely anything in order to help him communicate more to people.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't you know that we are... We are the lucky ones, dear.

**Author's Note:**

> This could be triggering for those who have experienced sexual abuse/ sexual harassment/ sexual assault or inflicted self harm upon themselves.

Ever since i can remember

i’ve always been told i was one of the lucky ones.

Lucky.

I guess i am.

I have two parents.

An older sister.

Green eyes.

Brown curls.

A singing voice that flows smoothly.

Lucky.

I’ve heard it so many times it almost doesn’t sound like a word anymore.

Lucky.

Lucky.

What does lucky even mean?

**

Have you ever heard people say suicide is selfish?

You have. Admit it.

That’s when you know that person has never truly felt like killing themselves.

Don’t worry.

Neither have i.

**

Honestly i don’t know why i’m here.

Tell you all my secrets.

Deepest thoughts?

It used to be easy to get them out of me.

An open book.

One with a happy ending.

Its weird when people ask you what’s wrong.

Like you can narrow it down to one thing.

How do you explain to someone what’s wrong?

Why you’re like the way you are?

When you try to explain it

you realise

it’s more then that one thing.

That one thing just triggered it completely.

Brought you down

Sinking so much you can’t come back up for air.

How do you explain that?

People come for one reason, or gossip.

Not a life story.

But when you try to explain the one thing that went bad.

It leads to another ten things.

And those ten things lead to another forty.

It goes on and on

And on

and on.

Your life has been just one giant snowball.

I’m not stupid.

I know my life is good.

I’m the lucky one.

So very lucky.

**

Your body is one thing you can always control.

You can control what you eat.

You can control how you dress.

You can control the pain, how much, you feel.

So what do you do when your body gets taken from you?

I sound like a walking talking cliche.

No wonder i have to come see you every week.

I sometimes even think i’m crazy.

**

What happened..

It wasn’t my fault.

I know.

I’m not stupid.

I trust people too easy.

Mum always said i was charming.

Gemma always said i was too easy going.

I could charm the pants off anyone.

Its meant to be a gift.

When people compliment you.

You’re meant to feel flattered.

Special.

I feel disgusted.

I hate those things i used to once love about myself.

It’s like they make me weak.

If i hdn’t been those things.

If i wasn’t charming.

If i wasn’t how i was.

Then i wouldn’t be here.

I wouldn’t have anything to regret.

I’d be just like everyone else.

I used to think being just like everyone else was boring.

Who wants to be just like everyone?

I liked that i stood out.

That’s my fault.

That’s what i blame myself for.

Being different.

My fault.

Not all of it.

But that part, yes.

**

Today i met a boy.

He wore suspenders.

He had caramel coloured hair.

He smelt like clean laundry.

He smelt like autumn leaves.

Or what i assosciate autumn with.

He wore stripes.

He smiled at me.

I smiled back.

**

So am i on the road to recovery yet?

Am i better?

Have you dealt with me?

Are we done?

No?

Okay. 

But i don’t know what else to say.

I’m still lucky.

A bad thing happened.

But it’s how you react and treat the bad thing that matters.

It’s the aftermath that changes you.

Still charming Harry.

Still lucky.

**

The boy i mentioned before?

Today i learnt his name is Louis.

He smiles a lot.

He makes me smile a lot.

He said my dimples were cute.

I wanted to let him know all of him was cute.

When he complimented me…

It felt like a compliment again.

It didn’t feel sickening.

It wasn’t a reminder.

It was nice.

It used to be easy.

Smile at someone cute.

Get their number.

Call them.

Kiss them.

Simple.

Routine.

Now it’s scary.

The constant thought of what if

I was wrong once.

I made a mistake.

People often do.

But why does it feel like i’m paying for it more?

One mistake and i constantly look over my shoulder.

Sleep with the light on.

Nobody can sneak up behind me anymore.

If somebody grabs me, even as a joke, i jump.

You can’t speak too loudly.

You can’t speak too quietly.

Is that still lucky?

Or careful?

**

Louis told me he wanted to take me out.

He said he wanted to see me smile more.

I asked him why he had to come here too.

He showed me his arm.

Cut after cut after cut.

He’s so beautiful.

They’re such ugly scars.

He has to live with a physical, visible reminder of who he was.

What he went through.

He has war wounds.

Am i jealous?

I sound it don’t i.

Because he has proof.

People will believe him.

Who would believe me?

A flirty, helper at the local baker who sings part time?

It’d ridiculous to my own ears.

I told Louis i’d think about it.

He told me he wouldn’t give up.

He hadn’t given up before, on himself.

He wouldn’t give up now, on me.  
**

Gemma was the one that noticed

She saw me slowly slip away

Become someone else

She watched me flinch.

She knew something was wrong.

I remember she hugged me so tightly.

So securely.

And she just cried.

She begged to know what was wrong.

I remember she said,

It’s like you’re dead.

A living dead person.

I looked at her

And I knew I just had to tell her

But I didn’t know how to.

I can’t even say it to myself, how do I say it to her?

That night her and mum argued.

Mum said I was fine.

Just being a teenage boy.

God, I wished that were true.

**

Louis asked me out again today.

I told him no, again.

He wasn’t angry.

He just smiled at me and said,

“One day.”

**

I remember the unimportant parts of what happened that night.

I remember it was Cher’s party.

She was drunk and giggling by the time we got there.

After it was like everything was fuzzy.

I couldn’t see anyone.

It was all a blur of colour and faces.

Noise was distant, like a buzz.

Then Niall made a joke about how my pants were undone.

He said only I would get so lucky so fast.

There’s that word again.

Lucky.

Liam noticed I was in a daze.

He asked me what was wrong.

He’s that kind of guy.

That type of friend.

I barely even heard him,

I just kept walking.

I felt sick.

I felt raw.

It was disgusting, and new.

Liam grabbed my arm and I had to push him away to throw up.

He kept asking me what was wrong.

Zayn came over to me and looked me straight into the eye.

I knew he knew.

He just looked at me.

He’s the silent type.

But he understands far too much.

A wallflower.

He told Liam to back off.

All three of them watched me walk straight out of the party,

And on I walked.

On and on.

I felt faint.

I threw up three times.

What a lucky night for Harry Styles.

**

Today Louis wasn’t there.

Is he better now?

Where did he go?

I missed him.

I missed seeing the boy in the suspenders.

I missed seeing the boy that made me smile.

**

I am trying you know.

My mum thinks I’m not.

That this is a waste of my time.

But I want you to know,

I don’t write.

If I feel something.

I never know how to convey that emotion.

I sing.

That’s what I do.

It’s like screaming at the top of your lungs.

The perfect escape.

The point is that I don’t write.

But I’m writing now.

I’m writing here to you.

I’m trying.

I want to be me again.

**

I heard some of the doctors in the clinic talking.

It wasn’t even on purpose.

I heard them say Lou’s name.

Apparently he relapsed or something.

Got a blade and sliced up his wrists.

He was in the hospital.

Heavily guarded.

All the air went out of me.

I thought he was happy.

I thought he was getting better.

That just shows, you know?

The happy ones are the ones that have the most to hide.

**

I’ve been working on what you’ve been telling me to do.

Repeating the word in my head.

Whispering it to myself.

I still haven’t told anyone,

But I’m beginning to tell myself.

Really hear the word.

I know it’s stupid.

But I thought this only happened to girls.

That doesn’t make it okay.

But I thought I was safe.

Safe to be who I am.

**

I visited Louis.

He smiled soft when he saw me.

Through all of this I haven’t cried once.

I don’t like crying.

It’s pointless in a way.

No tears.

No crying.

I hugged him and told him to never do it again.

I told him he’d never be able to go on a date with me if he was dead.

He told me he’d keep himself alive if he had something to look forward to every week.

I told him he could go on as many dates as he wanted with me.

**

It’s too early right?

It’s wrong to feel happy.

Or special.

Or lucky.

After what’s happened..

It just feels wrong.

But at the same time it feels perfect.

Today was Lou and i’s first date.

I felt normal again.

I felt happy.

I laughed.

He asked me if he could kiss me goodnight.

I said i didn’t know.

He told me it was fine.

He’d wait.

That’s when i broke.

I told him.

Everything.

Are you proud of me?

I told him about you.

I told him abOut Gemma.

I told him about that night.

The one that changed everything.

I told him how i had changed.

He brushed back my hair.

He held me.

I told him about…

I told him i was raped.

Damaged.

I told him it wasn’t my fault.

He didn’t say anything.

He just held me.

And listened.

Kind of like you do.

It was nice.

So nice.

And that’s when i cried.

**

I’m one of the lucky ones

Sometimes i just wish i wasn’t.


End file.
